I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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