what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
