Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
How does it feel to date your dad?
Randomize
