Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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