you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
