guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
