these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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