Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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