The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
