i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
