It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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