Im at strip club and am horny
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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