You're my little dorito
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
