I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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