Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
