3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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