just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
