Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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