So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
