I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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