Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
