Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
i need some magic done to my vagina
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize