I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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