i think my tv is drunk
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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