i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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