i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Holy sore nipples Batman
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
