Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Randomize
