I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
