she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
