....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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