At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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