I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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