My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
