Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
