you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Everclear isn't food dammit
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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