I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
