saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
