if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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