yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Randomize