Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
