I just made out with a guy for $7.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
