so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
God I need to hump something, right now.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
