party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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