A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
