oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
