he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize