I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
