my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Randomize