dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
