Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
