she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
