Soap is not a condiment
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
