Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
You don't make any sense
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