and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
