your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
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