And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
